RISK

I have been thinking lately about relationships and how many different types of them we have in our experience.  Oh, sure we can categorize them and come up with a relatively short list but the reality is that within the categories are subdivisions.  I will try to explain:

• We have parents but in today's world the reality is that one set of parents is a thing of the past.  So, many people have their biological parents, their step-parents, and even surrogate parents. 
• We have siblings but they can also be broken down (in a number of cases)into full, or half, or adopted...
• We have friends but that is a very broad word that has very little meaning.  Many of us use the word realizing that there are different levels to our friendships.

Of course there are many other relationships that we have but for the point I want to make these will do.  And my point - very bad use of language it is more of an observation- is that relationships are very risky.

What I mean is that when we try to start a new relationship there are parts of us that get involved almost involuntarily.  Like our intellect.  We meet someone and we get to know them and find them interesting.  We desire to know them better and want to spend more time with them for that purpose.  And all is good, there is a give and take and you are learning about the other person while they learn about you.  But then the tricky part comes in.  Because our emotions somehow have become involved and now we have to make a choice as to how deep we want to be involved.  If any of you have watched Seinfeld, the show did a pretty funny skit with Keith Hernandez asking Jerry to help him move and Jerry was protesting that their friendship had not reached that level of intimacy yet.

What I am trying to say is that there is a catch-22 when it comes to relationships.  Because the more involved you get the more vulnerable you are.  And some relationships we enter into have an intrinsic level of danger attached.  We are afraid that when people really get to know us they won't really like who we are, we are afraid of getting too close and then have to say goodbye, we are afraid of being foolish and loving someone without  the feeling being reciprocated.... there are a number of things that make it very hard to enter into relationships fully. And, I suspect that those things are different with each person.  The baggage we carry will influence our relationships and the depth of them.

The thing is that I think we have to be reckless.  We have to be willing to be a fool, to be hurt, to be discarded, to be unloved....That is what love is.  But it hurts to be there and there is a necessity to lean on the promise that "love conquers all" which I am not particularly good at.

So I stumble through trying to find the distinction between true love and some lesser thing that just helps me to feel like I am real.  This whole relationship thing is just plain hard but it was what we were made to experience and how we were made to grow.

What a bunch of C*@#

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

A while ago Aidan, Anna, and I went to the movies and saw a movie called Akeelah and the bee.  It was a good movie about an underdog spelling bee contestant and how she trained.  Kind of like a Rocky for the spelling bee aficionados.  Anyway, this quote was brought out at some point in the movie and it intrigued me.  I came home and did a little research on it and found that it had erroneously been credited to Nelson Mandela during one of his speeches.  It little matters who actually wrote it especially since I believe it to be a huge lie. 

Really, who would even buy it?  I don't know anyone who has been afraid that they are "powerful beyond measure."   In my experience, people are broken and feel inadequate more so than anything else.  I believe that part of the human condition is that we are so afraid that we don't measure up that we try to act as though we are more together than we truly are.  We are afraid to let people know what we are really all about because we are afraid that they are more together than we are and that we will be judged.

That thing about this kind of stuff that annoys me is that it is said with such conviction that people could conceivably buy into it.  And while it seems innocent, the implications are serious and damaging.

Currently Reading A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN By Brian D. McLaren see related

So, I was talking to a friend, that usually makes me think over things that I think I have figured out, and I haven't been able to get this thought out of my head.  We were discussing how a person who did something terribly bad and hurt someone else in the process probably never conceived that they were capable of such an act. 

And it made me start thinking about all the things that I feel I am incapable of doing and wondering if in fact they are not beyond the scope of my actions.  On some level it makes sense that I am capable of horrible things.  Just think of David, "a man after God's own heart," and how he killed a man just so he could have his wife.  It's a disturbing thought  to think that though you consider yourself a "nice person" there exists the potential of very ugly behavior in you.

So were does that leave me when I have tried to act a certain way toward my wife and children in order to provide a safe and loving home?  Does the possibility exist that I could one day do something destructive toward them even though history shows that I love them?  And if the potential is there, what kind of safeguards do I put in place in order to secure their well being despite my sin?  Hard to answer!  But a couple of things come to mind:

• I think it is true that there is a potential for all of us to do stuff that is so ugly that we would be surprised at ourselves and hate ourselves for doing it.  But, I think that we are at a safer place when we realize that no sin is beyond our ability to commit.  Denying this puts us in prideful place and sets us up for a rough road.  Hence the passage "pride comes before the fall."  And it is pride to think that we are incapable of any sin. 

• Realizing this also makes it easier to not judge others.  Yeah, we can agree or define their actions as sin but we cannot condemn because we again fall into pride.  It's as if we were saying that we would be beyond those actions.  And of course that sets us up for the grim reality that we are capable of not only that but even worse.

• There are a few verses in the Bible that give us hope that we are not helpless when it comes to sin.  1) 1Cor 10 :13 " ...And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.   2)Jas 1:13-15 " When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.'  For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when full-grown, gives birth to death."   So, the responsibility still rests on us. 

I tell you, sometimes the Christian road is a hard one to walk.  It is so much easier for me to hate someone who has hurt another than to have compassion.   In some cases compassion is a challenge for me.  And though I consider myself moderately humble, I can now see how proud I really am. 

I have stated in the past that I don't like being alone.  That being alone turns quickly into loneliness for me.  But, I have noticed that there are some inconsistencies to that statement.  Actually, I enjoy having time alone quite a bit.  When I was a kid my friends would make fun of me because I would just get up in the morning and sit on the couch and just think.  They couldn't believe that I was just sitting there without listening to music, or watching tv, or reading...  And even now I usually work all day by myself.  I prefer it that way.  It gives me a lot of time to think and occasionally pray.  I would like to do more praying during the day but I find it hard to concentrate because my time is too interrupted. 

 But, I like to think and sometimes whish that I had paper and time to just sit and write.  I have been tempted lately to start writing a life chronicle with an emphasis on how I got to where I am and pulling in other stories as they intercept with mine.  I am  just afraid that I will never get very far with it.  I am not so concerned with wether it would be interesting or not because it would mostly be for me.  I just know that I am the kind of person who gets excited about something but the excitement doesn't last for long.  And I am not disciplined enough to continue through the "uninspired" periods.  Maybe if I made myself accountable to someone else it would work.

Anyway, my day started by being stuck in traffic for a half an hour at 4:30 in the morning.  Where else in the world do you have to worry about traffic at that God forsaken hour?  After that it was a rather common day until... I was working by myself but needed to go ask someone for a hand for a few minutes.  So, I walked to the packing department to ask this guy Mike for a hand but when I got there he was doing this kind of weird dance and then he turns around really quickly and rips his shirt off his back.  I was only moderately surprised because these guys are a bunch of charlatans and they would do anything to make fun of someone.  So, I just figured he was making fun of somebody.  But, as he was ripping the shirt off of himself I saw something fall out of his shirt pocket and then I realized that he was very angry and then I had to move quickly out of the way because I almost got hit in the face by some metal objects that he decide to throw in his fit of anger.

  So, what really happened was that this other guy Harold had thrown a lit cigarette butt at him and it had landed in his shirt pocket.  And I can understand being concerned about getting burned but this reaction bordered on phobia.  It was as if he thought he was going to immediately go up in a puff of smoke; kinda like the tree in Christmas Vacation.  I know it doesn't sound so funny in the telling but it made me laugh for a long time.  He got so angry that he walked away from the work station and did not return for the rest of the day. And later on in the day when I asked Harold if Mike was still angry at him he just said "wait till I throw another cigarette at him." And the funny thing is that he would.  We have a theory at work that this guy Harold must have ben really fast as a kid because he somehow survived school.  Our guess is that he was probably chased all the time because of some wise remark or prank that he pulled. 

It has been a while since I write a post here and the truth is that even now I am just writing because I feel that if i don't force myself then my days of posting here will be done.  Not that that matters much but in the past I have enjoyed sharing some ideas that were circulating in my mind.  The truth is that I have been in a funk lately and I am finding it hard to do things that I regularly found enjoyment in.  For example, I love to read and that is the one thing that I can do from start to finish.  What I mean is that I regularly start projects of one kind or another only to leave them unfinished down the road when my interests wane.  I see this as a character weakness in me and the reason why I finish books from start to finish is in an attempt to control this weakness and feel better about myself.  However, lately I have started reading about five books, all of which I found interesting, but have been unable to get past the first chapter in every one of them.  I have also started about three or four poems but have only been able to complete one.  Hence my desire to write something halfway intelligible here.

Here are some ideas that have found space in my head but I don't believe any of them are complete to the point of calling them concrete thoughts or hypothesis.

1) When I was young and had first become a Christian, my friend Bill and I ( he is still my best friend 25 years later) really devoted ourselves to devouring anything we could about the spiritual life.  I became a Christian while attending the Catholic church and one the best read Catholic authors of that time was a man named Thomas Merton.  He was a man who joined a monestary and became a trappist monk.  Complete with vows of silence and solitude.  He used to write a lot about contemplative prayer and meditative prayer.  Stuff that was way over our heads as teenagers.  Even now when I read some of his stuff I realize that it is over my head. 

The concept of meditative prayer is to just sit quietly before God and listen.  Sounds simple but, for me, it is almost impossible.  I can sit still fine but I just can't seem to keep my mind focused on nothing.  I realize that my mind is just undisciplined and that "practice" will yield better results but it is frustrating to practice and gain very little improvement.  I would give it up completely except that I believe that this type of prayer is where we are really changed as people.  That if we succeed just once, everything else will seem like minor league.  I don't want to sound as if regular prayer is not good enough I just think that there has been this desire in me to connect with God in prayer in a profound way.  And there are those who claim to have gotten there through contemplative prayer.  So, I want to experience that encounter and there be transformed.

2)Again as a teenager, we had the opportunity in our youth group to teach one of the Bible studies.  It so happened that I was asked to teach on the parable of the sower and the seed.  Now, for those of you who remember, that is one of the parables that is immediately followed by an explanation.  In essence, I was given a "can't fail" assignment.  But, that lesson has become legendary in that I completely bombed.  My friends still make fun of me, out of the blue, about that lesson.  

But these days that parable has been resonating in my head and causing me to think anew.  And the reason why it has been a predominant thought in my head is because I have become convinced that there are a number of "christians" who use religion as a safety net or even as a superstitious conveniance.  It really shouldn't have taken me this long to formulate that idea.  And truthfully, I believe that I have thought this for a long time but didn't like the implications.  Really, if everyone that claimed to be a Christian really was then the world would be a whole different place. 

But I am not so much interested with the world as a whole.  I am more interested with the idea that our God is a personal God and that if we have a relationship with Him then we must have a story to tell about what He has done and is doing in our lives.  And you look around and see that there are those who claim freedom in Christ but are living lives of dispair.  Which means one of two things; a) the church is not doing its job, b) the seed that fell did not fall on fertile soil. 

Now that spring has arrived, maybe we should tend to our gardens and make sure that the ground is soft, that the weeds have been pulled out, that the rocks have been removed, that the scarecrows are in place.... And if there are those of use who need help in tending our garden, let us not be too arrogant to ask someone for a hand.